She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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