Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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