thus making me awesome and them whores
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
