mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
