I faked an abortion last night.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
