A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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