I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
