I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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