Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
