Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize