Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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