Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
