She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My ATM looks so different sober.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
