Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
