Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
