i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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