At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
