I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize