Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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