my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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