Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
