Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I woke up under a house in Key West
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
