True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
