Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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