Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
