I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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