I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
