Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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