i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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