he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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