Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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