I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize