...so i touched it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize