Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
