The maid of honor just puked.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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