Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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