Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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