Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
