think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
