So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
