saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
