dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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