hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My vagina is officially offended.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
