On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
