Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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