6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize