Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
