Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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