just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
