the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
