i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
