omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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