I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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