I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
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