Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
