at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
