i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Couch. On fire.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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