Kareoke will never be a sober sport
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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