my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
