I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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