New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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