I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
high people should be assigned attendants
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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