Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
