im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
